.You.Should.Have.Been.There.

I told myself i was done.. But im not. I guess this is what its like fighting for someone.

Its weird how one person can effect everything you do and the choices you make.

When i think of him, i feel like crying. I miss him. Of course i dont want to miss him. I wish i could move on like he did.

Do you ever do something for someone but dont tell them because you're scared of what they will say or think..? Well... I wrote a song for casey.

He missed my 18th birthday.... And my 17th...

Sometimes i think that if i just showed up at his door, things would be different.

Honestly, he messed up his life. He screwed himself over. I feel like once i find a guy who i am finally happy with.. Hes gonna come back.

I am lost. I just need to hear his voice.. Talk to him. That is all i want..

.I.Won't.Give.Up.

Casey is in a relationship. Found a new girl. Im done with him...


For now, at least..

.Final.Post.

This blog is officially done.

.I.Almost.Do.

It's been more than a week since I've had contact with Casey. Of course i've texted him. No response. It just seems that lately I have nowhere to express my feelings so I just keep coming back to this stupid blog..

I finally told Casey about the blog.. I'm not sure if he has read it though.. Or even thought about reading it.. I guess that in a way, that's good. I have no idea how he would even react. Yes, at times i did make him sound like a horrible person.. But, i wouldn't change any of my blog posts. They're the UGLY truth.

I find it weird that I am so comfortable to tell people to read my blog. Like, i want people to know. Before i was pretty careful about who i told about him.. But now, I DON'T CARE.

At this point, i'm not sure about this blog.. Like, if there is no Casey, then there is obviously nothing to write about.. But, i seem to be able to always find something to talk about in these blogs.. Damn feelings.

I've pretty much lost hope in us.. Yup, lost it all....

 I find myself just laying in bed thinking.. Constantly. It sucks. I think about everything.. I ask questions.. Will we ever meet? Does he think of me still? Is there girl? Do i mean much to him? I really don't know.
 
There is something in me that keeps telling me that he still thinks about me.. Something keeps telling me that there is a reason for all of this. Maybe the world is just testing our strength. Or maybe he's dealing with a lot.. Maybe this is just happening to make me appreciate the time i have with him.. I don't know.

I was listening to they new Taylor Swift CD "RED" and i found this song and just thought and thought... Matches us... Like... Perfectly... Like.. WOW.

I Almost Do- Taylor Swift
-->>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_KH_3FCE2A


I miss casey and all i want is to see him or even talk to him.. Just hear his voice.. But i guess all i can do is just wait.. And sometiimes when i write these blogs, i find my self thinking a lot.. Who am i even talking to? My readers? Casey? Or just myself?

.Sweet.Sweet.Reality.

So, i haven't heard from him in a few days.. I'm sure he's doing fine.. I just wish i could still have him in my life. He was always making me smile and laugh. Things with him just always made sense. I guess the saying is right though, you never know what you have until it's gone.. And to think i was gonna make a trip up to Nebraska next month and meet my "dream boy". I guess things happen for a reason. So hopefully good starts coming my way.

I find myself constantly thinking about him though. I was really hoping he would come to my 18th birthday.. I mean, that would be more than amazing, really. I'd be so happy. But that won't happen. Once again, reality comes and slaps me across the face. Ouch, reality.. Ouch..

I find myself just blogging my feelings now. I've bottled them all up and i can't seem to stop typing. There is so much i wanna tell him. But, i know that nothing will change his mind.

But if i did have one last chance to talk to him and know that he is hearing what i wanna say.. i know exactly what i would tell him..

"I hate so many things about you. I hate the way you can always turn things on me. I hate how cold you can be at times. I hate when you break promises. I hate the fact that you try to make me feel like the bad person. I hate how some days i mean the world to you and some days you wished i would fall off the earth. I hate how you are constantly making me cry. I hate how things you say to me can actually eat away at me. I hate how you make me hate myself for doing something wrong. I hate how you could lie and lie to me and i still stick around. I hate how you can actually make me feel bad for caring about you. And i absolutely hate how much i respect everything you say and do. But.. I love your texts every morning. I love how you call me "beautiful" and never call me "sexy" or "hott". I love your cheesy humor. I love how we have sooo much in common. I love how much i trust you. I love how gullible you are with me. I love how well you get along with my family and friends, especially my mom. I love how what we have is different. I love how there is an instant smile on my face when i see your name pop up on my phone or xbox. I love the fact that if it came down to it, you'd have my back no matter what. I love how after 3 years, you never left. I love that cute giggle you do just before you hang up or get off xbox. I love when you try to hold in your laughter when i say something stupid. I love when you try to cheer me up, and just make a fool of yourself. I love how you know everything about me. I love how you make me feel amazing and completely invincible. I love when you fall asleep on me. I love your gay voice. I love how you can tell me ANYTHING. I love when you make me cry from laughing so hard. I love how you never text me just one word. I love how you can just bring me up when the world brings me down. I love how predictably unpredictable you are. I love how you cant say the word "pen" properly. I love the fact that there is never an awkward moment with you. I love when you call me "cute girl". I love how you are obsessed with Mac Miller. I love how even though we haven't met, i feel like we have met tons of times. I love when you send me songs that tell me how you feel. I love how when no one is talking, you start singing. I love how you can always beat me at video games, even when i go try-hard. I love that smile you give me when i do or say something "cute". I love how horrible you are at text-spamming me and stalling. I love how you can turn any sad situation into the happiest thing around. I love how i can say something extremely wrong and stupid but you can still think i am the smartest girl on this planet. I love how you are always right about your advice. I love the fact that i know the voice when your about to tell me your gonna go to bed. I love how when no one had faith in our friendship, we did. I love how you say "eh" even though you are a total American. I love how this list seems like it's never going to end. And i love how even when you tell me to leave, i know you don't mean forever."

I could go on forever telling him things i love about him but no matter what i say will change his opinion. I love that boy with all of my heart. And if things don't work out and we stop talking, i want him to find a girl that makes him happy. the girl who can be everything i couldn't. A girl who would take a bullet for him.. And i want him to take all of the things i love, use it to his advantage, and spoil this girl.. Make her happy. Do everything with her that he couldnt with me. Gladly take a bullet for her.. I want him to live his dreams and do what makes HIM happy. Be open with his lady. Be her best friend. Tell her everything. Have beautiful kids and name them ridiculous names. Go through all of the rough stuff together. See each other at their ultimate lows and still be sure that they will never leave their side. I want him to do what makes him happy.. Buy a house, get married, and spend the rest of his life with that one girl that makes him completely intoxicated with love.. That girl that will fulfill his every need and be able to read him like a book.. Page by page.. That one girl that will grow old with him and never ever leave that man's side..



... I think i wish that girl was me.

.End.Of.Story.

As much as it kills me to say, I tried. But things between us I guess just won't work out..

.Its.Done.

Last night casey replied to my text.. Finally.

I was anticipating this text for the past few days. I finally got it. Finally..

"We won't work out"

 I read it over and over again.. My body felt numb.. I had no idea what to do or how to feel.. Should i cry? Should i shrug it off? Should i be mad? I had no idea.. My hands were shaking as i tried to think of what to say back.. I thought and thought. I was sick to my stomach.. I read the text one more time and began typing..

He told me basically how he wants me out of his life. I had no idea what i did.. He left no explanation.. He just left me.. He left me thinking, on the verge of tears all night..

Now all i am left thinking is.. Did i just let 3 years of my life slip away..?

.Please.Reply.

These past few days i haven't heard from Casey.. Not a word. He has ignored every text, call or facebook message.. I worry about him.. All the time.. I worry that hes going through a rough time, that he met a girl, everything. I find myself constantly checking his facebook to see if hes alive.. Pathetic, i know.. But so is this "friendship"

.Up.To.Date.

The posts are now up to date, completely. Now these blogs will get shorter..

.Not.Enough.Time.For.Me.?

After September of 2012, things got weird with Casey.. He would constantly blow me off on our Skype dates and Xbox dates.. But, i made excuses when people asked.. "he's busy" "his phone broke" "his computer doesn't have internet right now". But, i was competely fed up with all of it. There were times i just wanted to cry.. I was humiliated. I started staying up late thinking what i did wrong.. I had no idea.

This is where this "love story" turns into a train wreck..

.Its.Over.

By the time summer came, Casey was single.

Things between us were normal again. There was not fighting or anything.. Pretty close to perfect?

Sure enough though, nothing is too good to be true, right?

.Happy.Birthday.To.Me.

It was the night of my surprise birthday party, i had talk to Casey a few times but just for a little bit.. Coming into a surprise birthday party, i saw all of my friends.. I couldn't have been happier. But i would have really liked to see his face there too.. Anyways, later that night i was upstairs with my friend and she was on the phone with her boyfriend.. Hearing the things they were saying killed because all i thought was "i was once that happy..". During the phone call, i sent Casey a message..


December 10th 2011 1:27am

 " Casey,
 There are so many things that I could say. Yes, I messed up by being honest and yes, I should totally back off. I know you have a girlfriend and I know that (in the past) you would have been as jealous like I am. Its exactly how I feel right now. Sometimes it does take a bit of alcohol and peer pressure to admit my feelings. I'm sitting in my bed listening to my friend talk to her boyfriend from Texas. Reminds me of the old "us". I just never ever thought there would come a day that I would be scared to be honest with you. This actually sucks. And the honest truth is that.. Everyday I think about you. When I saw you were in a relationship, I tried to play it cool. I tried to be the friend.. But I cant. It's impossible. I know everything about you and that's why I feel like this. You can always make me smile like a friggin idiot, you have the biggest heart in the entire world, your the friendliest guy I've ever met, your smile is enough to make me speechless just thinking about it, every flaw in you makes you just that much more amazing, like the way you always mess up on your speaking haha and the way you say the craziest things at the craziest times hahaha, plus, you know exactly what to say to make me laugh until I can't breathe. Everything about you is perfect. In my life, there are a lot of regrets that I have, but my biggest regret is messing things up with you. I took advantage of you. I'm so sorry. I played stupid games with you heart. But, now that your gone, I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about you. I love you so much, my dear never change. "

I sent it with no hope in a reply, because i never got one.. ever. A few weeks later, i woke up to a text that should have put a smile on my face...

December 23rd 2011 12:14pm

" I'm sorry It's been a little while. I just don't have any idea how to respond to this anymore. There's a lot I want to tell you but, honestly can't. One thing I want you to know though, is that I still have feelings for you. I still have those days where your the first and last thing going through my head. I know that if I had met you a little over a year ago in person and could actually be with you, you and I would've been perfect together. Life would be a lot easier if you were here instead of Canada. But, your not. I'd still love to actually meet you in person for the first time which is why I'm still trying to hold onto you the best I can even though school literally takes up every bit of my time now...The main reason I'm never on xbox anymore is because last year I me way too close to failing. I was way too stressed out. And, the 'playing stupid games with my heart" part really didn't help at all. And, my life has changed quite a bit since the summer. And, I'm still enjoying it............"

.Too.Long.

9 months. They lasted 9 months. 9 horrible months. 9.

There would be nights that I would just kill to hear his voice.. To be honest, the fighting sounded much better.. At least when we were fighting, he would reply to my messages. I send tons of messages. But I got absolutely nothing.

I stayed up late just sending messages about how I feel and everything that went on in my head..



October 3rd 2011 3:32am

" I feel like the most annoying pest and obsessive stalker ever.. This is crazy but I think about you everyday. And I think about how much I messed up with you. Yes, I should have treated you better. Yes, I should have appreciated you more. And yes, I shouldn't have taken you for granted. I'm freaking crazy about you. I miss you so much. This honestly sucks.. I thought about it, and we did break a lot of promises. You promised you'd never leave.. You did. I promised i wouldn't get jealous, I am mad jealous. We promised eachother we'd always talk.. That's broken. Ya know? There were times that I would stop talking to you just to see how you'd react or If you'd fight just to talk to me.. You always did. Now I'm fighting for you. And I understand you don't have feelings for me at all anymore.. But, I'm ready to be yours, I'm ready to come to Nebraska. Ugh.. But now it's too late. I am awake and it's 3:30 am  and I can't sleep. I'm always thinking about you. So, I am fighting for you. And.. Believe it or not, I would do ANYTHING for you. Not even kidding.. All I am wanting is just a response.. Please.. I know you've changed. But, I know that Casey I love is in there. Please! But.. I'm gonna try to sleep. Gotta get up early.. Goodnight.. xx "

.A.Shot.To.The.Heart.

All of these questions ran through my mind...
Is she pretty? She was really pretty.
Is she smart? By the sounds of it, honors student.
Is she gonna make Casey happy? I really had no idea..

Throughout their whole relationship.. We really didn't talk. Really not at all..

After i found out that he was dating someone, denial set in.. He wouldnt date a girl.. I mean, he's supposed to end up with me.. Isn't he?....

Well, a few days later i had finally got in contact with him. I tried to play it cool but i just couldn't i needed to know if this horrible news really was true..

He felt horrible for not telling me ahead of time.. After he reassured me that what i read was true.. My mind went blank.. I lost him, didn't i..?

.Taking.Advantage.

By the time time summer was over, we were both going into our last year of high school. We had stopped talking. There was way too much fighting for either of us to handle, really. The first week or so of school was good. Well, ya... I missed him. All the time. But I just convinced myself I didn't.

Of course I would have loved to talk to him but he was busy with school, so was i. We just didn't have time for the fighting. Casey had been hanging out with a few girls. But they all just seemed.. Not his type. I really didn't think anything would even evolve from them.

I was just getting onto Facebook to message Casey and ask him how he was and how things were going with him. I haden't heard much from him.. I guess I really really did miss him. But as I got on Facebook, I saw something on my news feed that killed me. It stung. My body went numb. I couldn't say a word. I felt like I was about to cry. My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. Everything in my body just froze.

Casey was "in a relationship"......

.Could.Be.Perfect.

By about this time, it's probly summer of 2011. Things between the two of us were basically just on and off fighting. One day we would stay up late and be completely inseparable.. Others, I couldn't stand him. We would pull all-nighters on Kinect video chat, not even saying a word.. Words really couldn't describe the feelings we had towards eachother. Crazy is pretty close though. But as much as we fought an hated eachother, we would never give up on eachother! Ever. And we both knew that. So, the fights didn't scare us too much.

Some nights we would tell eachother we need a break. We just need space. I was pretty famous for that line.. Usually a cry for his attention. A good majority of the time, he fell for it. But those night he didn't... I would lose my mind.. Completely.

Things between us could have been pretty close to perfect but as much as we wanted that, it just don't seem possible. But whether we were fighting or laughing, we were inseparable to say the least.

.Realize.

He sent me messages that killed me to read! He was in pain and i couldnt help at all.. If anything, i was the problem. I was the one making it worse.. The poor guy went through so much. He would stay up late, just thinking. I admit, i was unpredictable. It was like walking on thin ice with me.. At any moment i would crack and turn into a total wreck.. I never realized how bad i was to him and how much i put him through until about... Now.

.Its.Like.A.Song.

He sent songs..

Chris Cagle - Look at What I've Done to Her
Brantley Gilbert - You Promised
Craig Morgan - I Want Us Back
Avenged Sevenfold - Warmness of The Soul
Nickelback - Far Away
Buck Cherry - Sorry

So many songs could have described us.. Everything we went through.. Fighting, crying, happiness, laughter, and the connection!!

After fights we would send songs and song lyrics to eachother explaining how we felt. Sometimes they worked and helped us out.. Other times it just made things worse!

.Right.Choice.?.

Days went by and we talked for hours on end! We talk about everything and we opened up to eachother. There reallly was a connection.


After a while, things became more serious. I guess serious is the wrong thing for the two of us..

On my 16th birthday, he bought me a dozen roses and a teddy bear. Pretty darn cute. I seriously felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Then things took a turn for the worst..
 We started fighting and fighting. We fought about nothing! I found myself just picking fights because he told me he would be on xbox at 8:00 and it was 8:01. It got to the point where we couldnt even talk or have a conversation without fighing. But throough all of those fights, he never left. He stayed. He never actually fought back with me. Some times it was just me fighting with myself. I lost my mind and all i though was "things would be easier if he was here..". Every once in a while i would have what i like to call "realizations", which is just me realizing how much i messed up. I would send long messages to him at ungodly hours just saying sorry and explaing how much i messed up.





 January 19th 2011 12:42am

" I'm sitting in my room crying.. Can't really believe that it took me this long to realize everything..
I'm sorry.
I treat you horrible, I take jokes too seriously or maybe just too far, I make fun of you, I don't ask how you day was or anything, I don't care about the conversation or take it seriously unless it's about me..
I'm so sorry..
You deserve more that I give you. I promise that this time I will pull up my socks..
Maybe I'm lacking sleep.. I miss you.. Maybe I'm just crazy.. Who knows anymore?!
Anyways, I have never met a person who is so much like me, than you! It's like we just have this crazy connection.. Its like you... You get me. I love that. Your my best friend. I trust you, I can tell you anything and you won't judge me. You make me laugh so hard that I have water come outta my nose, my ribs hurt and I can hardly breathe! I'd kill for you.. I feel like I met you for a reason.. Like there is a purpose for it.. Like, I'm supposed to protect you from something.. I don't know.. My mom loves the fact that I met you.. I'm always smiling and you have this effect on me.. Goodness.. Case, you know me like the back of your hand.. I miss you lately.. We hardly have time to talk, it drives me crazy.. Believe it or not, I love those cute smart-ass comments, those blonde moments you get once in a while, the big words you use that I don't understand, when you steal my words, but mostly, your uber duber complete fails at talking.. Makes me laugh just thinking about it.. Haha! Even your laugh is enough to put a smile on my face, and I love that the most.."

.How.We.Met.

This may be hard to be believe but we met on xbox. Yeah, of all places. He was a friend of a friend. After we started talking, things just hit off. He was so nice and constantly making me laugh!

One night we decided to play xbox together, just the two of us! We got to know eachother and the more we talked, the more we grew a liking to eachother. So that night he decided to add me on facebook.. Ok well he gave me his name and once i saaw his face i was legit in shock! His smile was adorable and he was actually cute, which is very unlikely on xbox! haha. Right after we added eachother on facebook, it was "bed time". So i hopped off xbox and started messaging him on facebook!

One problem though.... I live in Alberta, Canada...