.One.Click.Of.A.Button.

I've come so close to sending Casey a message telling him how i feel at this moment. Then i think that maybe he read my blog and knows. I want him to know how i feel but i think its best that he stays out of my life.. For now.

I was one click away from sending this.....

"You've screwed up your life. You were close to perfect when i met you. You've gone downhill. I want the old you back. Then one who had time for me and was willing to give time for me. I feel like an idiot after all this time, i can't let you go. Not at all.. I love you. No, I loved you. No, I still love you. I miss you more than words can describe. I have so much trouble holding myself together when i talk about you. Mom asks about you the most.. Everyone is convinced you're not coming back in my life.. Im not. 

I need you back in my life.. Quite frankly, i don't know if anyone thinks its a good idea though. No one seems to think it's a good idea. All you've really done these past few years is throw me under the bus.. I keep coming back though. I want to come back. I stay hopeful. I have this theory that you're in school and getting your life together before we start talking again, and before we meet. I need to stop trying to picture a fairytale between us. I need to move on. After everything between us, i still see all the good in you.. I try not to think about you. I try really hard. I feel more accomplished and free when i think I'm over you. I feel like a freshly cleaned chalk board. 

  I live in the big city now. Scary, right? I never thought i'd be independent enough to do it.. I guess I'm almost 19. Haha. Im going to school. I am starting my life. At this point in my life, i imagined we had already met once and decided to see where things took us after we were both done school...... Well, this is reality. I'm not going to say I'm not happy though. I love the city life. It does get lonely though.. Thats why i have a lovely roommate! I miss my family so much when I'm gone but it does make me appreciate them more when i come home. I have an amazing friends all around me! Plus, i have super duper supportive parents. Im not writing this to say that life sucks without you.. I am writing this to tell you life would be a little more sweet with you around. But, I'm not the one who missed out."

.Map.Please.?

It's tough to say where i am emotionally with Case. I haven't heard from him in what seems forever.. Nothing on his Facebook, no texts... Nothing. 

It's pretty well safe to say that i am not completely infatuated as i was before.. But, i would be lying if i said that i didn't miss him or that if he texted me, i wouldn't reply.

I want to be able to move past this, but i would actually love to have casey in my life too. 

I am really trying not to show emotion about all of this. The less i spend time thinking about him, the easier it is getting over him! I still have those days when i wish i was talking to him.. Its like i crave the sound of his voice... I also have those moments when a song plays and i cant hold myself together.. I melt down.

..... There has to be a reason why i am desperately yearning his affection.

"I dont get waves of missing you  anymore, they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes."

U.N.I. -  Ed Sheeran