.Happy.Birthday.To.Me.

It was the night of my surprise birthday party, i had talk to Casey a few times but just for a little bit.. Coming into a surprise birthday party, i saw all of my friends.. I couldn't have been happier. But i would have really liked to see his face there too.. Anyways, later that night i was upstairs with my friend and she was on the phone with her boyfriend.. Hearing the things they were saying killed because all i thought was "i was once that happy..". During the phone call, i sent Casey a message..


December 10th 2011 1:27am

 " Casey,
 There are so many things that I could say. Yes, I messed up by being honest and yes, I should totally back off. I know you have a girlfriend and I know that (in the past) you would have been as jealous like I am. Its exactly how I feel right now. Sometimes it does take a bit of alcohol and peer pressure to admit my feelings. I'm sitting in my bed listening to my friend talk to her boyfriend from Texas. Reminds me of the old "us". I just never ever thought there would come a day that I would be scared to be honest with you. This actually sucks. And the honest truth is that.. Everyday I think about you. When I saw you were in a relationship, I tried to play it cool. I tried to be the friend.. But I cant. It's impossible. I know everything about you and that's why I feel like this. You can always make me smile like a friggin idiot, you have the biggest heart in the entire world, your the friendliest guy I've ever met, your smile is enough to make me speechless just thinking about it, every flaw in you makes you just that much more amazing, like the way you always mess up on your speaking haha and the way you say the craziest things at the craziest times hahaha, plus, you know exactly what to say to make me laugh until I can't breathe. Everything about you is perfect. In my life, there are a lot of regrets that I have, but my biggest regret is messing things up with you. I took advantage of you. I'm so sorry. I played stupid games with you heart. But, now that your gone, I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about you. I love you so much, my dear never change. "

I sent it with no hope in a reply, because i never got one.. ever. A few weeks later, i woke up to a text that should have put a smile on my face...

December 23rd 2011 12:14pm

" I'm sorry It's been a little while. I just don't have any idea how to respond to this anymore. There's a lot I want to tell you but, honestly can't. One thing I want you to know though, is that I still have feelings for you. I still have those days where your the first and last thing going through my head. I know that if I had met you a little over a year ago in person and could actually be with you, you and I would've been perfect together. Life would be a lot easier if you were here instead of Canada. But, your not. I'd still love to actually meet you in person for the first time which is why I'm still trying to hold onto you the best I can even though school literally takes up every bit of my time now...The main reason I'm never on xbox anymore is because last year I me way too close to failing. I was way too stressed out. And, the 'playing stupid games with my heart" part really didn't help at all. And, my life has changed quite a bit since the summer. And, I'm still enjoying it............"

.Too.Long.

9 months. They lasted 9 months. 9 horrible months. 9.

There would be nights that I would just kill to hear his voice.. To be honest, the fighting sounded much better.. At least when we were fighting, he would reply to my messages. I send tons of messages. But I got absolutely nothing.

I stayed up late just sending messages about how I feel and everything that went on in my head..



October 3rd 2011 3:32am

" I feel like the most annoying pest and obsessive stalker ever.. This is crazy but I think about you everyday. And I think about how much I messed up with you. Yes, I should have treated you better. Yes, I should have appreciated you more. And yes, I shouldn't have taken you for granted. I'm freaking crazy about you. I miss you so much. This honestly sucks.. I thought about it, and we did break a lot of promises. You promised you'd never leave.. You did. I promised i wouldn't get jealous, I am mad jealous. We promised eachother we'd always talk.. That's broken. Ya know? There were times that I would stop talking to you just to see how you'd react or If you'd fight just to talk to me.. You always did. Now I'm fighting for you. And I understand you don't have feelings for me at all anymore.. But, I'm ready to be yours, I'm ready to come to Nebraska. Ugh.. But now it's too late. I am awake and it's 3:30 am  and I can't sleep. I'm always thinking about you. So, I am fighting for you. And.. Believe it or not, I would do ANYTHING for you. Not even kidding.. All I am wanting is just a response.. Please.. I know you've changed. But, I know that Casey I love is in there. Please! But.. I'm gonna try to sleep. Gotta get up early.. Goodnight.. xx "

.A.Shot.To.The.Heart.

All of these questions ran through my mind...
Is she pretty? She was really pretty.
Is she smart? By the sounds of it, honors student.
Is she gonna make Casey happy? I really had no idea..

Throughout their whole relationship.. We really didn't talk. Really not at all..

After i found out that he was dating someone, denial set in.. He wouldnt date a girl.. I mean, he's supposed to end up with me.. Isn't he?....

Well, a few days later i had finally got in contact with him. I tried to play it cool but i just couldn't i needed to know if this horrible news really was true..

He felt horrible for not telling me ahead of time.. After he reassured me that what i read was true.. My mind went blank.. I lost him, didn't i..?

.Taking.Advantage.

By the time time summer was over, we were both going into our last year of high school. We had stopped talking. There was way too much fighting for either of us to handle, really. The first week or so of school was good. Well, ya... I missed him. All the time. But I just convinced myself I didn't.

Of course I would have loved to talk to him but he was busy with school, so was i. We just didn't have time for the fighting. Casey had been hanging out with a few girls. But they all just seemed.. Not his type. I really didn't think anything would even evolve from them.

I was just getting onto Facebook to message Casey and ask him how he was and how things were going with him. I haden't heard much from him.. I guess I really really did miss him. But as I got on Facebook, I saw something on my news feed that killed me. It stung. My body went numb. I couldn't say a word. I felt like I was about to cry. My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. Everything in my body just froze.

Casey was "in a relationship"......

.Could.Be.Perfect.

By about this time, it's probly summer of 2011. Things between the two of us were basically just on and off fighting. One day we would stay up late and be completely inseparable.. Others, I couldn't stand him. We would pull all-nighters on Kinect video chat, not even saying a word.. Words really couldn't describe the feelings we had towards eachother. Crazy is pretty close though. But as much as we fought an hated eachother, we would never give up on eachother! Ever. And we both knew that. So, the fights didn't scare us too much.

Some nights we would tell eachother we need a break. We just need space. I was pretty famous for that line.. Usually a cry for his attention. A good majority of the time, he fell for it. But those night he didn't... I would lose my mind.. Completely.

Things between us could have been pretty close to perfect but as much as we wanted that, it just don't seem possible. But whether we were fighting or laughing, we were inseparable to say the least.