.One.Click.Of.A.Button.

I've come so close to sending Casey a message telling him how i feel at this moment. Then i think that maybe he read my blog and knows. I want him to know how i feel but i think its best that he stays out of my life.. For now.

I was one click away from sending this.....

"You've screwed up your life. You were close to perfect when i met you. You've gone downhill. I want the old you back. Then one who had time for me and was willing to give time for me. I feel like an idiot after all this time, i can't let you go. Not at all.. I love you. No, I loved you. No, I still love you. I miss you more than words can describe. I have so much trouble holding myself together when i talk about you. Mom asks about you the most.. Everyone is convinced you're not coming back in my life.. Im not. 

I need you back in my life.. Quite frankly, i don't know if anyone thinks its a good idea though. No one seems to think it's a good idea. All you've really done these past few years is throw me under the bus.. I keep coming back though. I want to come back. I stay hopeful. I have this theory that you're in school and getting your life together before we start talking again, and before we meet. I need to stop trying to picture a fairytale between us. I need to move on. After everything between us, i still see all the good in you.. I try not to think about you. I try really hard. I feel more accomplished and free when i think I'm over you. I feel like a freshly cleaned chalk board. 

  I live in the big city now. Scary, right? I never thought i'd be independent enough to do it.. I guess I'm almost 19. Haha. Im going to school. I am starting my life. At this point in my life, i imagined we had already met once and decided to see where things took us after we were both done school...... Well, this is reality. I'm not going to say I'm not happy though. I love the city life. It does get lonely though.. Thats why i have a lovely roommate! I miss my family so much when I'm gone but it does make me appreciate them more when i come home. I have an amazing friends all around me! Plus, i have super duper supportive parents. Im not writing this to say that life sucks without you.. I am writing this to tell you life would be a little more sweet with you around. But, I'm not the one who missed out."

.Map.Please.?

It's tough to say where i am emotionally with Case. I haven't heard from him in what seems forever.. Nothing on his Facebook, no texts... Nothing. 

It's pretty well safe to say that i am not completely infatuated as i was before.. But, i would be lying if i said that i didn't miss him or that if he texted me, i wouldn't reply.

I want to be able to move past this, but i would actually love to have casey in my life too. 

I am really trying not to show emotion about all of this. The less i spend time thinking about him, the easier it is getting over him! I still have those days when i wish i was talking to him.. Its like i crave the sound of his voice... I also have those moments when a song plays and i cant hold myself together.. I melt down.

..... There has to be a reason why i am desperately yearning his affection.

"I dont get waves of missing you  anymore, they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes."

U.N.I. -  Ed Sheeran

.Let.Me.Vent.

I really don't understand how someone can tell you that they love you and care about you, then throw you to the curb. Love is a strong word and when you say it... It usually means that you mean it. Maybe I'm overly angry right now. Or maybe you deserve this fury. I don't necessarily hate you, but I hate your ways, words, and actions. How can you say you care, and not even reply to me. Not WANT to contantly hear from me. Not WANT to hear my voice, or just how my day was.. And how could you not even reply to messages from my mom.. Clearly she cares about you and loves you to death. Give her some respect.. I try sticking up for you but all you do is make me look stupid, make me look like an idiot. A fool.. You are clearly too busy to open your eyes and realize who really cares, and who has really stuck by you and stood up for you..

"When was the last time Casey texted you?" I get asked that more than you think. My response? "Thursday. But, you know.. He probably had a busy weekend!". SCREW YOU. 

I try to give you as much time as I can.. From you, I get NOTHING! Maybe the odd message.. You clearly don't care about all of the stuff my family has done for you, and the love we shared. You think you have me wrapped around your finger, don't you? Well, I guess to me there is a difference between that and caring about someone well-being.

Oh baby, I could have been your saving grace..

Then again, you could have been my Achilles heel. 

.Forgiving.?

What are the chances that Casey texts me the day after I write my last blog?!.... I know for a fact that Casey doesn't read my blogs! I just find it weird.. 

It does kinda suck though. I feel like I'm back to square one.. But right now I couldn't want anything more. 

So I guess you could say I miss him... A LOT. I miss having him in my life. I miss having him to talk to. I am going to try talking to him again and see how it goes! Hopefully it goes well...

#pleasejustdontscrewmeoveragain

.Im.Never.Done.

Love is weird. It does something to people, makes them crazy or something.. Makes a ton of things impossible to do.. Like moving on... IMPOSSIBLE. Sucks.

I guess all of this is coming from someone who is currently experiencing the negative effects of it..

I really shouldn't be complaining. All of the good stuff... It was really good and it makes me realize that the bad isn't all that bad... I guess it could be worse.... He could be dead? .. Well, that would at least give me a bit more closure and reassurance that nothing is ever gonna happen between me and Nebraska. But, I am most definitely not wishing death upon anyone.

These 4 years have definitely helped me realize that things that are wayyyyy too good to be true, usually are. I mean, you can work through distance..... But, you cant make someone stop ignoring you. Or you can't force someone to like you, love you, or even feel remotely the same about you as you do of them.

It's so weird, i find myself bottled up with these emotions. I honestly have no one to talk to about them. Why? Because i don't want to talk about Casey around my family or friends anymore. I have this shield up thats hiding all of my true feelings about Nebraska. Why would i tell anyone i am still CRAZY about Nebraska? It's stupid. I haven't ever met him. I haven't heard from him in months. He hasn't showed any interest in being in my life.. So why should i?!?!?








Uggh.. But, i still do have those days where he's the first and last thing going through my mind. I still like to picture a future together, or at least have him in my life. Losing Casey is probably one of the hardest things i have experienced in my life yet.

#moveonalready

.Tick.Tock.

Safe to say it's been over 2 months since i last talked to Casey. Believe it or not, I'm starting to recover from that crazy thing called love that just took over my system.

I obviously didn't make him happy or fulfill his every need. Fair enough.. Maybe the distance got to him.. Who knows. Anyways, now it's time to maybe start a new chapter in my life. Maybe start over.

#unwritten

.All.I.Can.Say.

No contact with him. No effort from him. Still on my mind though?

#screwyou

Comin' Home

.Running.In.Circles.

So, i face-timed Casey today.. Well, i've been thinking a lot since then.

He has changed. I mean, people do change throughout time. I really should have expected it.. But, i don't know if these changes are for the best. I mean, i love the kid! I do! But, i don't know if he's the same guy i pictured my future with before.

Don't get me wrong, i want him in my life.. But, i don't know if I'm giving him the right role in my life.. I understand that people make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. But, his mistakes will effect the rest of his life.. And i just don't know if I'm making the right choice.

Damn.

Im honestly stumped. Im starting again with Case. Starting from scratch. Getting to know the NEW casey. I really don't know if this is what i want though. Am i gonna have to wait another 4 years? Because i can't do that. I am just honestly lost.

Maybe i don't want this. I don't know. Or maybe I'm being dumb right now. I have wanted this for 4 years. Maybe I'm just over it. Maybe i'm over thinking it. Maybe i need to meet him. Now. Or maybe, just maybe.. I need to stop "Chasing Nebraska"....

#WaitingForASign

.If.It's.Meant.To.Be.

Well, I have been talking to Casey a lot lately. Morning to night.. God, I am seriously crazy about him. It's ridiculous. I bring him/"us" down to bring myself up... It's weird. All girls do it.. But I don't wanna be like all girls. 

I think things with him are finally gonna start getting better. Things with him are looking up. That makes me so happy... And the fact that he wants me in his life again is quite flattering and shocking, to say the least. Many people are thinking "Kendra, youre an idiot!".. Honestly, i've thought it through and if i don't let him back into my life there will always be that "what if?" factor. I still have so many mixed feelings about this whole thing.. But hopefully it works out! Im staying positive though!! I mean, I am definitely a lot more careful and cautious about my vulnerability! Much more mature, as well. But I do like him a ton. And I'm never gonna stop. I just really hope I can always have him in my life in some way, shape, or form. And I really hope we can finally meet face to face... Im just really trying to stay optimistic about this.. I really hope he doesn't leave again..

He is my dream boy and I am honestly not quite ready to let go...

.Stay.+.

I havent really talked to Casey in about a month. In a sense, i like it. I feel like i am FINALLY moving on. Am i really though? Probably not.

I guess he didn't really realize the impact he had on my life. When i think about the time we've known each other, i think about the importance there was with having him in my life.. But, depending on my mood i may not think so positively about it. There are some times when i think that i am so thankful i didn't meet him in person, and get involved with him.. I would definitely be hurting much more, and im sure that writing a blog wouldn't help me cope with it.. Then i think that maybe if i did meet him in person, i may know more about the boy who i've been crazy about for almost 4 years... If i didnt ever get on xbox that one day, if i didn't put in an effort to talk to this boy... I really don't think i would be the girl i am today.

Casey has done something that i COULD thank him for.. He made me more aware. He put my walls up. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve.. Now i cant even seem to trust anyone. I guess its a good thing.. Saves me from heartbreak. But, holds me back from trusting, and falling in love..

I could talk forever about Mr. Nebraska.. I always thought about writing a book on us. Like a fairytale.. Sorta. Maybe they could make it a disney movie?.. How would it end it though? The girl ends up with the Prince Charming by some miracle? Nah. That always happens. But maybe the girl moves on.. Forgets about the prince.. Meets a guy who isn't "Prince Charming" but just as sweet and loving.. Just as handsome and kind.. A man that will do all in his power to make his princess happy. He may not be a prince but if he makes her just as happy, maybe more... Why not? :)

#JustWaitingToBeSweptOffMyFeet

.Dear.Lover.:.Leave.

Lately it feels like my blogs are getting shorter and much more repetitive. Why? Mainly cause Casey never replies. Never talks.

Anyways. Since my last blog, i have sent a few messages back and fourth with Casey. Well.. He has finally just told me that he has given up on me completely.. He decided that after waiting 4 years. Soooo thats super awesome..

It kills me because i so badly want to meet him. I need to meet him.. I am completely determined to meet him.. Whether he has a girlfriend, or doesnt want to meet me. I am meeting him. I feel that if i don't meet him there will always be that "what if?" factor.

It gets kind of frustrating.. I know there is something he is hiding but i wish i knew what it was. He kind of makes me seem like im the most unapproachable person alive. This past year... Something about him has really changed. For the worst.

.Hope.?.

It has been a month since i stopped talking to him.. I have no idea why but i don't give up. I can't give up. Something inside me is telling me not to let go. But everyone else is telling me to move on.

I just recently started getting into zodiacs and horoscopes. The more i read about them, the more they seem to be right.. I thought that i would test Casey and I's compatibility! And this is what happened...

Casey: Aries
Me: Sagittarius

Sagittarius + Aries

Fire + Fire = Explosion
Coming together with an Aries is all systems go! Sagittarius/Aries is a powerful and adventurous match, so an exciting joyride awaits you both in this fiery combination. In many cases it’s love at first sight — it won’t take long to fan the flames of each other’s desire. 
There is also a great deal of joy and playfulness in this combo. This is because your ruling planets are friendly. Likewise, you have a sense that each of you somehow reflects the qualities of the other. This ensures good understanding, and easy communication between you.
Occasionally you’ll find that your discussions get heated, even disagreeable. At other times your Aries partner will be thought-provoking and enthralling. At least there’ll never be a dull moment! Aries will keep you on your toes. They don’t like boring and predictable relationships any more than you do. To both of you, variety is the spice of life. 
Aries will fire you up and support you in your ambitions, and you’ll be able to take their boisterous energy and help them direct it to bigger and better things. This way you’ll both be inspired and supported. And over time, you’ll be able to bring out Aries’ intuition and idealism. 
There’s a karmic element to this relationship too; there’s something lucky and predestined about your meeting. This is one of those relationships that you know has a chance of working. 
Your freedom-loving independence is a good match for Aries’ dramatic and outgoing nature. There’ll be no stopping either of you if you decide to commit to this relationship. There’ll be plenty of travel, too, and that will also bring out your like-mindedness. 

The crazy thing is that ever since i stopped talking to him, i've been getting more signs than ever to talk to him. It seems that everywhere i go,  i get a little sign.. Maybe im over thinking the whole thing. Maybe it coincidence? Or maybe just too many things remind me of him..

The more i think about it.. The more i start to believe that we clicked.....

.Keep.Dreamin.Girl.

There are times when i think im just a fool for blogging my feelings about this boy...

.Begin.Again.

So.. Casey and I stared talking consistently again.. It's crazy.. I feel like things between us are finally going back to normal.. Well, our normal.

The weird thing is that I should be happy, I should be overly excited to be talking to him again. I should start to believe again.. But I don't. I can't say I'm completely happy, but I'm not unhappy. I have all of these mixed feelings about him and "us". After all this time I spent chasing him, maybe I should have realized that I was the only one putting in effort. I was the only one who cared. 

I'm surrounded with  guys who would do anything to be with me and they're genuine and definite keepers.. But it seems that my heart is stuck in Nebraska and I don't think that will change unless i meet him. At this point, I need to meet him.. Not for the sake of "being together finally" but more so I can get to know him and know if I want to keep fighting for this. He is more than 1000 miles away. A huge commitment. Maybe I'll meet him and I just won't feel anything.. Right now, Casey is holding me back from meeting guys.. He's holding me back from being happy.. 

 I guess right now, things between him and I just aren't the same and they won't be for a while. It sucks and it completely breaks my heart. I want to feel the same as i did 3 years ago.. But I guess maybe the flame has died... I absolutely hate to think that way but maybe it's the truth. Maybe it needs a spark, or maybe it's out forever. 

The fact that I have been chasing him and putting in all of the effort really hurts. There was no effort from him.. I understand that he was going through stuff.. But I am too?... Ugh. Sometimes I wonder if I just think too much, maybe I'm over thinking this whole thing. :( 

To be completely honest... I am lost.