.Happy.Birthday.To.Me.

It was the night of my surprise birthday party, i had talk to Casey a few times but just for a little bit.. Coming into a surprise birthday party, i saw all of my friends.. I couldn't have been happier. But i would have really liked to see his face there too.. Anyways, later that night i was upstairs with my friend and she was on the phone with her boyfriend.. Hearing the things they were saying killed because all i thought was "i was once that happy..". During the phone call, i sent Casey a message..


December 10th 2011 1:27am

 " Casey,
 There are so many things that I could say. Yes, I messed up by being honest and yes, I should totally back off. I know you have a girlfriend and I know that (in the past) you would have been as jealous like I am. Its exactly how I feel right now. Sometimes it does take a bit of alcohol and peer pressure to admit my feelings. I'm sitting in my bed listening to my friend talk to her boyfriend from Texas. Reminds me of the old "us". I just never ever thought there would come a day that I would be scared to be honest with you. This actually sucks. And the honest truth is that.. Everyday I think about you. When I saw you were in a relationship, I tried to play it cool. I tried to be the friend.. But I cant. It's impossible. I know everything about you and that's why I feel like this. You can always make me smile like a friggin idiot, you have the biggest heart in the entire world, your the friendliest guy I've ever met, your smile is enough to make me speechless just thinking about it, every flaw in you makes you just that much more amazing, like the way you always mess up on your speaking haha and the way you say the craziest things at the craziest times hahaha, plus, you know exactly what to say to make me laugh until I can't breathe. Everything about you is perfect. In my life, there are a lot of regrets that I have, but my biggest regret is messing things up with you. I took advantage of you. I'm so sorry. I played stupid games with you heart. But, now that your gone, I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about you. I love you so much, my dear never change. "

I sent it with no hope in a reply, because i never got one.. ever. A few weeks later, i woke up to a text that should have put a smile on my face...

December 23rd 2011 12:14pm

" I'm sorry It's been a little while. I just don't have any idea how to respond to this anymore. There's a lot I want to tell you but, honestly can't. One thing I want you to know though, is that I still have feelings for you. I still have those days where your the first and last thing going through my head. I know that if I had met you a little over a year ago in person and could actually be with you, you and I would've been perfect together. Life would be a lot easier if you were here instead of Canada. But, your not. I'd still love to actually meet you in person for the first time which is why I'm still trying to hold onto you the best I can even though school literally takes up every bit of my time now...The main reason I'm never on xbox anymore is because last year I me way too close to failing. I was way too stressed out. And, the 'playing stupid games with my heart" part really didn't help at all. And, my life has changed quite a bit since the summer. And, I'm still enjoying it............"