.One.Click.Of.A.Button.

I've come so close to sending Casey a message telling him how i feel at this moment. Then i think that maybe he read my blog and knows. I want him to know how i feel but i think its best that he stays out of my life.. For now.

I was one click away from sending this.....

"You've screwed up your life. You were close to perfect when i met you. You've gone downhill. I want the old you back. Then one who had time for me and was willing to give time for me. I feel like an idiot after all this time, i can't let you go. Not at all.. I love you. No, I loved you. No, I still love you. I miss you more than words can describe. I have so much trouble holding myself together when i talk about you. Mom asks about you the most.. Everyone is convinced you're not coming back in my life.. Im not. 

I need you back in my life.. Quite frankly, i don't know if anyone thinks its a good idea though. No one seems to think it's a good idea. All you've really done these past few years is throw me under the bus.. I keep coming back though. I want to come back. I stay hopeful. I have this theory that you're in school and getting your life together before we start talking again, and before we meet. I need to stop trying to picture a fairytale between us. I need to move on. After everything between us, i still see all the good in you.. I try not to think about you. I try really hard. I feel more accomplished and free when i think I'm over you. I feel like a freshly cleaned chalk board. 

  I live in the big city now. Scary, right? I never thought i'd be independent enough to do it.. I guess I'm almost 19. Haha. Im going to school. I am starting my life. At this point in my life, i imagined we had already met once and decided to see where things took us after we were both done school...... Well, this is reality. I'm not going to say I'm not happy though. I love the city life. It does get lonely though.. Thats why i have a lovely roommate! I miss my family so much when I'm gone but it does make me appreciate them more when i come home. I have an amazing friends all around me! Plus, i have super duper supportive parents. Im not writing this to say that life sucks without you.. I am writing this to tell you life would be a little more sweet with you around. But, I'm not the one who missed out."

.Map.Please.?

It's tough to say where i am emotionally with Case. I haven't heard from him in what seems forever.. Nothing on his Facebook, no texts... Nothing. 

It's pretty well safe to say that i am not completely infatuated as i was before.. But, i would be lying if i said that i didn't miss him or that if he texted me, i wouldn't reply.

I want to be able to move past this, but i would actually love to have casey in my life too. 

I am really trying not to show emotion about all of this. The less i spend time thinking about him, the easier it is getting over him! I still have those days when i wish i was talking to him.. Its like i crave the sound of his voice... I also have those moments when a song plays and i cant hold myself together.. I melt down.

..... There has to be a reason why i am desperately yearning his affection.

"I dont get waves of missing you  anymore, they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes."

U.N.I. -  Ed Sheeran

.Let.Me.Vent.

I really don't understand how someone can tell you that they love you and care about you, then throw you to the curb. Love is a strong word and when you say it... It usually means that you mean it. Maybe I'm overly angry right now. Or maybe you deserve this fury. I don't necessarily hate you, but I hate your ways, words, and actions. How can you say you care, and not even reply to me. Not WANT to contantly hear from me. Not WANT to hear my voice, or just how my day was.. And how could you not even reply to messages from my mom.. Clearly she cares about you and loves you to death. Give her some respect.. I try sticking up for you but all you do is make me look stupid, make me look like an idiot. A fool.. You are clearly too busy to open your eyes and realize who really cares, and who has really stuck by you and stood up for you..

"When was the last time Casey texted you?" I get asked that more than you think. My response? "Thursday. But, you know.. He probably had a busy weekend!". SCREW YOU. 

I try to give you as much time as I can.. From you, I get NOTHING! Maybe the odd message.. You clearly don't care about all of the stuff my family has done for you, and the love we shared. You think you have me wrapped around your finger, don't you? Well, I guess to me there is a difference between that and caring about someone well-being.

Oh baby, I could have been your saving grace..

Then again, you could have been my Achilles heel. 

.Forgiving.?

What are the chances that Casey texts me the day after I write my last blog?!.... I know for a fact that Casey doesn't read my blogs! I just find it weird.. 

It does kinda suck though. I feel like I'm back to square one.. But right now I couldn't want anything more. 

So I guess you could say I miss him... A LOT. I miss having him in my life. I miss having him to talk to. I am going to try talking to him again and see how it goes! Hopefully it goes well...

#pleasejustdontscrewmeoveragain

.Im.Never.Done.

Love is weird. It does something to people, makes them crazy or something.. Makes a ton of things impossible to do.. Like moving on... IMPOSSIBLE. Sucks.

I guess all of this is coming from someone who is currently experiencing the negative effects of it..

I really shouldn't be complaining. All of the good stuff... It was really good and it makes me realize that the bad isn't all that bad... I guess it could be worse.... He could be dead? .. Well, that would at least give me a bit more closure and reassurance that nothing is ever gonna happen between me and Nebraska. But, I am most definitely not wishing death upon anyone.

These 4 years have definitely helped me realize that things that are wayyyyy too good to be true, usually are. I mean, you can work through distance..... But, you cant make someone stop ignoring you. Or you can't force someone to like you, love you, or even feel remotely the same about you as you do of them.

It's so weird, i find myself bottled up with these emotions. I honestly have no one to talk to about them. Why? Because i don't want to talk about Casey around my family or friends anymore. I have this shield up thats hiding all of my true feelings about Nebraska. Why would i tell anyone i am still CRAZY about Nebraska? It's stupid. I haven't ever met him. I haven't heard from him in months. He hasn't showed any interest in being in my life.. So why should i?!?!?








Uggh.. But, i still do have those days where he's the first and last thing going through my mind. I still like to picture a future together, or at least have him in my life. Losing Casey is probably one of the hardest things i have experienced in my life yet.

#moveonalready

.Tick.Tock.

Safe to say it's been over 2 months since i last talked to Casey. Believe it or not, I'm starting to recover from that crazy thing called love that just took over my system.

I obviously didn't make him happy or fulfill his every need. Fair enough.. Maybe the distance got to him.. Who knows. Anyways, now it's time to maybe start a new chapter in my life. Maybe start over.

#unwritten

.All.I.Can.Say.

No contact with him. No effort from him. Still on my mind though?

#screwyou

Comin' Home

.Running.In.Circles.

So, i face-timed Casey today.. Well, i've been thinking a lot since then.

He has changed. I mean, people do change throughout time. I really should have expected it.. But, i don't know if these changes are for the best. I mean, i love the kid! I do! But, i don't know if he's the same guy i pictured my future with before.

Don't get me wrong, i want him in my life.. But, i don't know if I'm giving him the right role in my life.. I understand that people make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. But, his mistakes will effect the rest of his life.. And i just don't know if I'm making the right choice.

Damn.

Im honestly stumped. Im starting again with Case. Starting from scratch. Getting to know the NEW casey. I really don't know if this is what i want though. Am i gonna have to wait another 4 years? Because i can't do that. I am just honestly lost.

Maybe i don't want this. I don't know. Or maybe I'm being dumb right now. I have wanted this for 4 years. Maybe I'm just over it. Maybe i'm over thinking it. Maybe i need to meet him. Now. Or maybe, just maybe.. I need to stop "Chasing Nebraska"....

#WaitingForASign

.If.It's.Meant.To.Be.

Well, I have been talking to Casey a lot lately. Morning to night.. God, I am seriously crazy about him. It's ridiculous. I bring him/"us" down to bring myself up... It's weird. All girls do it.. But I don't wanna be like all girls. 

I think things with him are finally gonna start getting better. Things with him are looking up. That makes me so happy... And the fact that he wants me in his life again is quite flattering and shocking, to say the least. Many people are thinking "Kendra, youre an idiot!".. Honestly, i've thought it through and if i don't let him back into my life there will always be that "what if?" factor. I still have so many mixed feelings about this whole thing.. But hopefully it works out! Im staying positive though!! I mean, I am definitely a lot more careful and cautious about my vulnerability! Much more mature, as well. But I do like him a ton. And I'm never gonna stop. I just really hope I can always have him in my life in some way, shape, or form. And I really hope we can finally meet face to face... Im just really trying to stay optimistic about this.. I really hope he doesn't leave again..

He is my dream boy and I am honestly not quite ready to let go...

.Stay.+.

I havent really talked to Casey in about a month. In a sense, i like it. I feel like i am FINALLY moving on. Am i really though? Probably not.

I guess he didn't really realize the impact he had on my life. When i think about the time we've known each other, i think about the importance there was with having him in my life.. But, depending on my mood i may not think so positively about it. There are some times when i think that i am so thankful i didn't meet him in person, and get involved with him.. I would definitely be hurting much more, and im sure that writing a blog wouldn't help me cope with it.. Then i think that maybe if i did meet him in person, i may know more about the boy who i've been crazy about for almost 4 years... If i didnt ever get on xbox that one day, if i didn't put in an effort to talk to this boy... I really don't think i would be the girl i am today.

Casey has done something that i COULD thank him for.. He made me more aware. He put my walls up. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve.. Now i cant even seem to trust anyone. I guess its a good thing.. Saves me from heartbreak. But, holds me back from trusting, and falling in love..

I could talk forever about Mr. Nebraska.. I always thought about writing a book on us. Like a fairytale.. Sorta. Maybe they could make it a disney movie?.. How would it end it though? The girl ends up with the Prince Charming by some miracle? Nah. That always happens. But maybe the girl moves on.. Forgets about the prince.. Meets a guy who isn't "Prince Charming" but just as sweet and loving.. Just as handsome and kind.. A man that will do all in his power to make his princess happy. He may not be a prince but if he makes her just as happy, maybe more... Why not? :)

#JustWaitingToBeSweptOffMyFeet

.Dear.Lover.:.Leave.

Lately it feels like my blogs are getting shorter and much more repetitive. Why? Mainly cause Casey never replies. Never talks.

Anyways. Since my last blog, i have sent a few messages back and fourth with Casey. Well.. He has finally just told me that he has given up on me completely.. He decided that after waiting 4 years. Soooo thats super awesome..

It kills me because i so badly want to meet him. I need to meet him.. I am completely determined to meet him.. Whether he has a girlfriend, or doesnt want to meet me. I am meeting him. I feel that if i don't meet him there will always be that "what if?" factor.

It gets kind of frustrating.. I know there is something he is hiding but i wish i knew what it was. He kind of makes me seem like im the most unapproachable person alive. This past year... Something about him has really changed. For the worst.

.Hope.?.

It has been a month since i stopped talking to him.. I have no idea why but i don't give up. I can't give up. Something inside me is telling me not to let go. But everyone else is telling me to move on.

I just recently started getting into zodiacs and horoscopes. The more i read about them, the more they seem to be right.. I thought that i would test Casey and I's compatibility! And this is what happened...

Casey: Aries
Me: Sagittarius

Sagittarius + Aries

Fire + Fire = Explosion
Coming together with an Aries is all systems go! Sagittarius/Aries is a powerful and adventurous match, so an exciting joyride awaits you both in this fiery combination. In many cases it’s love at first sight — it won’t take long to fan the flames of each other’s desire. 
There is also a great deal of joy and playfulness in this combo. This is because your ruling planets are friendly. Likewise, you have a sense that each of you somehow reflects the qualities of the other. This ensures good understanding, and easy communication between you.
Occasionally you’ll find that your discussions get heated, even disagreeable. At other times your Aries partner will be thought-provoking and enthralling. At least there’ll never be a dull moment! Aries will keep you on your toes. They don’t like boring and predictable relationships any more than you do. To both of you, variety is the spice of life. 
Aries will fire you up and support you in your ambitions, and you’ll be able to take their boisterous energy and help them direct it to bigger and better things. This way you’ll both be inspired and supported. And over time, you’ll be able to bring out Aries’ intuition and idealism. 
There’s a karmic element to this relationship too; there’s something lucky and predestined about your meeting. This is one of those relationships that you know has a chance of working. 
Your freedom-loving independence is a good match for Aries’ dramatic and outgoing nature. There’ll be no stopping either of you if you decide to commit to this relationship. There’ll be plenty of travel, too, and that will also bring out your like-mindedness. 

The crazy thing is that ever since i stopped talking to him, i've been getting more signs than ever to talk to him. It seems that everywhere i go,  i get a little sign.. Maybe im over thinking the whole thing. Maybe it coincidence? Or maybe just too many things remind me of him..

The more i think about it.. The more i start to believe that we clicked.....

.Keep.Dreamin.Girl.

There are times when i think im just a fool for blogging my feelings about this boy...

.Begin.Again.

So.. Casey and I stared talking consistently again.. It's crazy.. I feel like things between us are finally going back to normal.. Well, our normal.

The weird thing is that I should be happy, I should be overly excited to be talking to him again. I should start to believe again.. But I don't. I can't say I'm completely happy, but I'm not unhappy. I have all of these mixed feelings about him and "us". After all this time I spent chasing him, maybe I should have realized that I was the only one putting in effort. I was the only one who cared. 

I'm surrounded with  guys who would do anything to be with me and they're genuine and definite keepers.. But it seems that my heart is stuck in Nebraska and I don't think that will change unless i meet him. At this point, I need to meet him.. Not for the sake of "being together finally" but more so I can get to know him and know if I want to keep fighting for this. He is more than 1000 miles away. A huge commitment. Maybe I'll meet him and I just won't feel anything.. Right now, Casey is holding me back from meeting guys.. He's holding me back from being happy.. 

 I guess right now, things between him and I just aren't the same and they won't be for a while. It sucks and it completely breaks my heart. I want to feel the same as i did 3 years ago.. But I guess maybe the flame has died... I absolutely hate to think that way but maybe it's the truth. Maybe it needs a spark, or maybe it's out forever. 

The fact that I have been chasing him and putting in all of the effort really hurts. There was no effort from him.. I understand that he was going through stuff.. But I am too?... Ugh. Sometimes I wonder if I just think too much, maybe I'm over thinking this whole thing. :( 

To be completely honest... I am lost.

.You.Should.Have.Been.There.

I told myself i was done.. But im not. I guess this is what its like fighting for someone.

Its weird how one person can effect everything you do and the choices you make.

When i think of him, i feel like crying. I miss him. Of course i dont want to miss him. I wish i could move on like he did.

Do you ever do something for someone but dont tell them because you're scared of what they will say or think..? Well... I wrote a song for casey.

He missed my 18th birthday.... And my 17th...

Sometimes i think that if i just showed up at his door, things would be different.

Honestly, he messed up his life. He screwed himself over. I feel like once i find a guy who i am finally happy with.. Hes gonna come back.

I am lost. I just need to hear his voice.. Talk to him. That is all i want..

.I.Won't.Give.Up.

Casey is in a relationship. Found a new girl. Im done with him...


For now, at least..

.Final.Post.

This blog is officially done.

.I.Almost.Do.

It's been more than a week since I've had contact with Casey. Of course i've texted him. No response. It just seems that lately I have nowhere to express my feelings so I just keep coming back to this stupid blog..

I finally told Casey about the blog.. I'm not sure if he has read it though.. Or even thought about reading it.. I guess that in a way, that's good. I have no idea how he would even react. Yes, at times i did make him sound like a horrible person.. But, i wouldn't change any of my blog posts. They're the UGLY truth.

I find it weird that I am so comfortable to tell people to read my blog. Like, i want people to know. Before i was pretty careful about who i told about him.. But now, I DON'T CARE.

At this point, i'm not sure about this blog.. Like, if there is no Casey, then there is obviously nothing to write about.. But, i seem to be able to always find something to talk about in these blogs.. Damn feelings.

I've pretty much lost hope in us.. Yup, lost it all....

 I find myself just laying in bed thinking.. Constantly. It sucks. I think about everything.. I ask questions.. Will we ever meet? Does he think of me still? Is there girl? Do i mean much to him? I really don't know.
 
There is something in me that keeps telling me that he still thinks about me.. Something keeps telling me that there is a reason for all of this. Maybe the world is just testing our strength. Or maybe he's dealing with a lot.. Maybe this is just happening to make me appreciate the time i have with him.. I don't know.

I was listening to they new Taylor Swift CD "RED" and i found this song and just thought and thought... Matches us... Like... Perfectly... Like.. WOW.

I Almost Do- Taylor Swift
-->>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_KH_3FCE2A


I miss casey and all i want is to see him or even talk to him.. Just hear his voice.. But i guess all i can do is just wait.. And sometiimes when i write these blogs, i find my self thinking a lot.. Who am i even talking to? My readers? Casey? Or just myself?

.Sweet.Sweet.Reality.

So, i haven't heard from him in a few days.. I'm sure he's doing fine.. I just wish i could still have him in my life. He was always making me smile and laugh. Things with him just always made sense. I guess the saying is right though, you never know what you have until it's gone.. And to think i was gonna make a trip up to Nebraska next month and meet my "dream boy". I guess things happen for a reason. So hopefully good starts coming my way.

I find myself constantly thinking about him though. I was really hoping he would come to my 18th birthday.. I mean, that would be more than amazing, really. I'd be so happy. But that won't happen. Once again, reality comes and slaps me across the face. Ouch, reality.. Ouch..

I find myself just blogging my feelings now. I've bottled them all up and i can't seem to stop typing. There is so much i wanna tell him. But, i know that nothing will change his mind.

But if i did have one last chance to talk to him and know that he is hearing what i wanna say.. i know exactly what i would tell him..

"I hate so many things about you. I hate the way you can always turn things on me. I hate how cold you can be at times. I hate when you break promises. I hate the fact that you try to make me feel like the bad person. I hate how some days i mean the world to you and some days you wished i would fall off the earth. I hate how you are constantly making me cry. I hate how things you say to me can actually eat away at me. I hate how you make me hate myself for doing something wrong. I hate how you could lie and lie to me and i still stick around. I hate how you can actually make me feel bad for caring about you. And i absolutely hate how much i respect everything you say and do. But.. I love your texts every morning. I love how you call me "beautiful" and never call me "sexy" or "hott". I love your cheesy humor. I love how we have sooo much in common. I love how much i trust you. I love how gullible you are with me. I love how well you get along with my family and friends, especially my mom. I love how what we have is different. I love how there is an instant smile on my face when i see your name pop up on my phone or xbox. I love the fact that if it came down to it, you'd have my back no matter what. I love how after 3 years, you never left. I love that cute giggle you do just before you hang up or get off xbox. I love when you try to hold in your laughter when i say something stupid. I love when you try to cheer me up, and just make a fool of yourself. I love how you know everything about me. I love how you make me feel amazing and completely invincible. I love when you fall asleep on me. I love your gay voice. I love how you can tell me ANYTHING. I love when you make me cry from laughing so hard. I love how you never text me just one word. I love how you can just bring me up when the world brings me down. I love how predictably unpredictable you are. I love how you cant say the word "pen" properly. I love the fact that there is never an awkward moment with you. I love when you call me "cute girl". I love how you are obsessed with Mac Miller. I love how even though we haven't met, i feel like we have met tons of times. I love when you send me songs that tell me how you feel. I love how when no one is talking, you start singing. I love how you can always beat me at video games, even when i go try-hard. I love that smile you give me when i do or say something "cute". I love how horrible you are at text-spamming me and stalling. I love how you can turn any sad situation into the happiest thing around. I love how i can say something extremely wrong and stupid but you can still think i am the smartest girl on this planet. I love how you are always right about your advice. I love the fact that i know the voice when your about to tell me your gonna go to bed. I love how when no one had faith in our friendship, we did. I love how you say "eh" even though you are a total American. I love how this list seems like it's never going to end. And i love how even when you tell me to leave, i know you don't mean forever."

I could go on forever telling him things i love about him but no matter what i say will change his opinion. I love that boy with all of my heart. And if things don't work out and we stop talking, i want him to find a girl that makes him happy. the girl who can be everything i couldn't. A girl who would take a bullet for him.. And i want him to take all of the things i love, use it to his advantage, and spoil this girl.. Make her happy. Do everything with her that he couldnt with me. Gladly take a bullet for her.. I want him to live his dreams and do what makes HIM happy. Be open with his lady. Be her best friend. Tell her everything. Have beautiful kids and name them ridiculous names. Go through all of the rough stuff together. See each other at their ultimate lows and still be sure that they will never leave their side. I want him to do what makes him happy.. Buy a house, get married, and spend the rest of his life with that one girl that makes him completely intoxicated with love.. That girl that will fulfill his every need and be able to read him like a book.. Page by page.. That one girl that will grow old with him and never ever leave that man's side..



... I think i wish that girl was me.

.End.Of.Story.

As much as it kills me to say, I tried. But things between us I guess just won't work out..

.Its.Done.

Last night casey replied to my text.. Finally.

I was anticipating this text for the past few days. I finally got it. Finally..

"We won't work out"

 I read it over and over again.. My body felt numb.. I had no idea what to do or how to feel.. Should i cry? Should i shrug it off? Should i be mad? I had no idea.. My hands were shaking as i tried to think of what to say back.. I thought and thought. I was sick to my stomach.. I read the text one more time and began typing..

He told me basically how he wants me out of his life. I had no idea what i did.. He left no explanation.. He just left me.. He left me thinking, on the verge of tears all night..

Now all i am left thinking is.. Did i just let 3 years of my life slip away..?

.Please.Reply.

These past few days i haven't heard from Casey.. Not a word. He has ignored every text, call or facebook message.. I worry about him.. All the time.. I worry that hes going through a rough time, that he met a girl, everything. I find myself constantly checking his facebook to see if hes alive.. Pathetic, i know.. But so is this "friendship"

.Up.To.Date.

The posts are now up to date, completely. Now these blogs will get shorter..

.Not.Enough.Time.For.Me.?

After September of 2012, things got weird with Casey.. He would constantly blow me off on our Skype dates and Xbox dates.. But, i made excuses when people asked.. "he's busy" "his phone broke" "his computer doesn't have internet right now". But, i was competely fed up with all of it. There were times i just wanted to cry.. I was humiliated. I started staying up late thinking what i did wrong.. I had no idea.

This is where this "love story" turns into a train wreck..

.Its.Over.

By the time summer came, Casey was single.

Things between us were normal again. There was not fighting or anything.. Pretty close to perfect?

Sure enough though, nothing is too good to be true, right?

.Happy.Birthday.To.Me.

It was the night of my surprise birthday party, i had talk to Casey a few times but just for a little bit.. Coming into a surprise birthday party, i saw all of my friends.. I couldn't have been happier. But i would have really liked to see his face there too.. Anyways, later that night i was upstairs with my friend and she was on the phone with her boyfriend.. Hearing the things they were saying killed because all i thought was "i was once that happy..". During the phone call, i sent Casey a message..


December 10th 2011 1:27am

 " Casey,
 There are so many things that I could say. Yes, I messed up by being honest and yes, I should totally back off. I know you have a girlfriend and I know that (in the past) you would have been as jealous like I am. Its exactly how I feel right now. Sometimes it does take a bit of alcohol and peer pressure to admit my feelings. I'm sitting in my bed listening to my friend talk to her boyfriend from Texas. Reminds me of the old "us". I just never ever thought there would come a day that I would be scared to be honest with you. This actually sucks. And the honest truth is that.. Everyday I think about you. When I saw you were in a relationship, I tried to play it cool. I tried to be the friend.. But I cant. It's impossible. I know everything about you and that's why I feel like this. You can always make me smile like a friggin idiot, you have the biggest heart in the entire world, your the friendliest guy I've ever met, your smile is enough to make me speechless just thinking about it, every flaw in you makes you just that much more amazing, like the way you always mess up on your speaking haha and the way you say the craziest things at the craziest times hahaha, plus, you know exactly what to say to make me laugh until I can't breathe. Everything about you is perfect. In my life, there are a lot of regrets that I have, but my biggest regret is messing things up with you. I took advantage of you. I'm so sorry. I played stupid games with you heart. But, now that your gone, I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about you. I love you so much, my dear never change. "

I sent it with no hope in a reply, because i never got one.. ever. A few weeks later, i woke up to a text that should have put a smile on my face...

December 23rd 2011 12:14pm

" I'm sorry It's been a little while. I just don't have any idea how to respond to this anymore. There's a lot I want to tell you but, honestly can't. One thing I want you to know though, is that I still have feelings for you. I still have those days where your the first and last thing going through my head. I know that if I had met you a little over a year ago in person and could actually be with you, you and I would've been perfect together. Life would be a lot easier if you were here instead of Canada. But, your not. I'd still love to actually meet you in person for the first time which is why I'm still trying to hold onto you the best I can even though school literally takes up every bit of my time now...The main reason I'm never on xbox anymore is because last year I me way too close to failing. I was way too stressed out. And, the 'playing stupid games with my heart" part really didn't help at all. And, my life has changed quite a bit since the summer. And, I'm still enjoying it............"

.Too.Long.

9 months. They lasted 9 months. 9 horrible months. 9.

There would be nights that I would just kill to hear his voice.. To be honest, the fighting sounded much better.. At least when we were fighting, he would reply to my messages. I send tons of messages. But I got absolutely nothing.

I stayed up late just sending messages about how I feel and everything that went on in my head..



October 3rd 2011 3:32am

" I feel like the most annoying pest and obsessive stalker ever.. This is crazy but I think about you everyday. And I think about how much I messed up with you. Yes, I should have treated you better. Yes, I should have appreciated you more. And yes, I shouldn't have taken you for granted. I'm freaking crazy about you. I miss you so much. This honestly sucks.. I thought about it, and we did break a lot of promises. You promised you'd never leave.. You did. I promised i wouldn't get jealous, I am mad jealous. We promised eachother we'd always talk.. That's broken. Ya know? There were times that I would stop talking to you just to see how you'd react or If you'd fight just to talk to me.. You always did. Now I'm fighting for you. And I understand you don't have feelings for me at all anymore.. But, I'm ready to be yours, I'm ready to come to Nebraska. Ugh.. But now it's too late. I am awake and it's 3:30 am  and I can't sleep. I'm always thinking about you. So, I am fighting for you. And.. Believe it or not, I would do ANYTHING for you. Not even kidding.. All I am wanting is just a response.. Please.. I know you've changed. But, I know that Casey I love is in there. Please! But.. I'm gonna try to sleep. Gotta get up early.. Goodnight.. xx "

.A.Shot.To.The.Heart.

All of these questions ran through my mind...
Is she pretty? She was really pretty.
Is she smart? By the sounds of it, honors student.
Is she gonna make Casey happy? I really had no idea..

Throughout their whole relationship.. We really didn't talk. Really not at all..

After i found out that he was dating someone, denial set in.. He wouldnt date a girl.. I mean, he's supposed to end up with me.. Isn't he?....

Well, a few days later i had finally got in contact with him. I tried to play it cool but i just couldn't i needed to know if this horrible news really was true..

He felt horrible for not telling me ahead of time.. After he reassured me that what i read was true.. My mind went blank.. I lost him, didn't i..?

.Taking.Advantage.

By the time time summer was over, we were both going into our last year of high school. We had stopped talking. There was way too much fighting for either of us to handle, really. The first week or so of school was good. Well, ya... I missed him. All the time. But I just convinced myself I didn't.

Of course I would have loved to talk to him but he was busy with school, so was i. We just didn't have time for the fighting. Casey had been hanging out with a few girls. But they all just seemed.. Not his type. I really didn't think anything would even evolve from them.

I was just getting onto Facebook to message Casey and ask him how he was and how things were going with him. I haden't heard much from him.. I guess I really really did miss him. But as I got on Facebook, I saw something on my news feed that killed me. It stung. My body went numb. I couldn't say a word. I felt like I was about to cry. My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. Everything in my body just froze.

Casey was "in a relationship"......

.Could.Be.Perfect.

By about this time, it's probly summer of 2011. Things between the two of us were basically just on and off fighting. One day we would stay up late and be completely inseparable.. Others, I couldn't stand him. We would pull all-nighters on Kinect video chat, not even saying a word.. Words really couldn't describe the feelings we had towards eachother. Crazy is pretty close though. But as much as we fought an hated eachother, we would never give up on eachother! Ever. And we both knew that. So, the fights didn't scare us too much.

Some nights we would tell eachother we need a break. We just need space. I was pretty famous for that line.. Usually a cry for his attention. A good majority of the time, he fell for it. But those night he didn't... I would lose my mind.. Completely.

Things between us could have been pretty close to perfect but as much as we wanted that, it just don't seem possible. But whether we were fighting or laughing, we were inseparable to say the least.