.Sweet.Sweet.Reality.

So, i haven't heard from him in a few days.. I'm sure he's doing fine.. I just wish i could still have him in my life. He was always making me smile and laugh. Things with him just always made sense. I guess the saying is right though, you never know what you have until it's gone.. And to think i was gonna make a trip up to Nebraska next month and meet my "dream boy". I guess things happen for a reason. So hopefully good starts coming my way.

I find myself constantly thinking about him though. I was really hoping he would come to my 18th birthday.. I mean, that would be more than amazing, really. I'd be so happy. But that won't happen. Once again, reality comes and slaps me across the face. Ouch, reality.. Ouch..

I find myself just blogging my feelings now. I've bottled them all up and i can't seem to stop typing. There is so much i wanna tell him. But, i know that nothing will change his mind.

But if i did have one last chance to talk to him and know that he is hearing what i wanna say.. i know exactly what i would tell him..

"I hate so many things about you. I hate the way you can always turn things on me. I hate how cold you can be at times. I hate when you break promises. I hate the fact that you try to make me feel like the bad person. I hate how some days i mean the world to you and some days you wished i would fall off the earth. I hate how you are constantly making me cry. I hate how things you say to me can actually eat away at me. I hate how you make me hate myself for doing something wrong. I hate how you could lie and lie to me and i still stick around. I hate how you can actually make me feel bad for caring about you. And i absolutely hate how much i respect everything you say and do. But.. I love your texts every morning. I love how you call me "beautiful" and never call me "sexy" or "hott". I love your cheesy humor. I love how we have sooo much in common. I love how much i trust you. I love how gullible you are with me. I love how well you get along with my family and friends, especially my mom. I love how what we have is different. I love how there is an instant smile on my face when i see your name pop up on my phone or xbox. I love the fact that if it came down to it, you'd have my back no matter what. I love how after 3 years, you never left. I love that cute giggle you do just before you hang up or get off xbox. I love when you try to hold in your laughter when i say something stupid. I love when you try to cheer me up, and just make a fool of yourself. I love how you know everything about me. I love how you make me feel amazing and completely invincible. I love when you fall asleep on me. I love your gay voice. I love how you can tell me ANYTHING. I love when you make me cry from laughing so hard. I love how you never text me just one word. I love how you can just bring me up when the world brings me down. I love how predictably unpredictable you are. I love how you cant say the word "pen" properly. I love the fact that there is never an awkward moment with you. I love when you call me "cute girl". I love how you are obsessed with Mac Miller. I love how even though we haven't met, i feel like we have met tons of times. I love when you send me songs that tell me how you feel. I love how when no one is talking, you start singing. I love how you can always beat me at video games, even when i go try-hard. I love that smile you give me when i do or say something "cute". I love how horrible you are at text-spamming me and stalling. I love how you can turn any sad situation into the happiest thing around. I love how i can say something extremely wrong and stupid but you can still think i am the smartest girl on this planet. I love how you are always right about your advice. I love the fact that i know the voice when your about to tell me your gonna go to bed. I love how when no one had faith in our friendship, we did. I love how you say "eh" even though you are a total American. I love how this list seems like it's never going to end. And i love how even when you tell me to leave, i know you don't mean forever."

I could go on forever telling him things i love about him but no matter what i say will change his opinion. I love that boy with all of my heart. And if things don't work out and we stop talking, i want him to find a girl that makes him happy. the girl who can be everything i couldn't. A girl who would take a bullet for him.. And i want him to take all of the things i love, use it to his advantage, and spoil this girl.. Make her happy. Do everything with her that he couldnt with me. Gladly take a bullet for her.. I want him to live his dreams and do what makes HIM happy. Be open with his lady. Be her best friend. Tell her everything. Have beautiful kids and name them ridiculous names. Go through all of the rough stuff together. See each other at their ultimate lows and still be sure that they will never leave their side. I want him to do what makes him happy.. Buy a house, get married, and spend the rest of his life with that one girl that makes him completely intoxicated with love.. That girl that will fulfill his every need and be able to read him like a book.. Page by page.. That one girl that will grow old with him and never ever leave that man's side..



... I think i wish that girl was me.